She had a special way
that warmed the hearts
of everyone who knew her-
and the qualities that made her
the wonderful person she was,
have left us all with many
beautiful memories...

On September 23, 1998 our lives forever changed! Nothing could have prepared us for that tragic, horrifying day! We lost our 17 year old daughter Chantel, the love and sunshine of our lives.
I wanted to dedicate a site in Chan’s honor so that she may never, ever be forgotten…… so Channy girl, this is for you with love from a Mother’s heart.

Where do I start? When Chan came into this world on December 11, 1980 after 24 hours of labor, it was love at first sight. She was the first one to call me “Mom” and I thought being a Mom was the best thing that ever happened to me. There was a special bond between us that grew as the years went on. We were like “two peas in a pod”.

Two years later (exactly) on Chan’s second birthday her brother Kyle arrived. She thought that was the “bestest” birthday present! She adored her little brother, as he adored her. They were the best of friends.

As the years rolled along we had the “perfect family, “perfect” children, “perfect” home and “perfect life”. I was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home Mom and my children were the best part of my life. Things were great until my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1994. Chan was 14 and was such a sensitive girl. She couldn’t bear the thought of her grandma being so sick. She was with her every opportunity she had. When grandma stopped eating - so did Chan. She suddenly developed an eating disorder. Her grandma died May 1995 and Chan never got over her death. She was in doctor’s care for her eating disorder with weekly visits and was hospitalized twice during the next few years. She got very anxious and depressed and school was becoming a problem. I home schooled her for awhile and stayed with her every minute of every day. During her illness our bond became even stronger. She was my best friend, my soul mate. We would talk into the wee hours of the morning about nothing or about everything. Chan shared with me her “secrets” and her “loves”, her fears, and the newest “gossip”.

In May of 1998 she was released from her second hospital stay and returned to school for the month of June. She seemed to be doing better and was in better spirits. She would eat lots but only foods with absolutely 0 grams of fat. Sometimes she would go to bed at 8PM just so she didn’t have to think about food. She loved food and wanted to eat all her favorites so badly. But she just couldn’t allow herself. She explained it as “the anorexia monster” in her mind won’t allow her to.

Our family went on what was our “last” summer vacation together to see her cousin for a few weeks and she had a good time. She wanted to stay but she was starting her first job at the mall that week. She was very nervous and thought she would never learn the job but we thought she could handle it. She was a bright girl and she learned very fast and did a great job. She had low self-esteem but you would never know it from the outside. Chan kept all the turmoil inside but showed a big bright smile to the world. Most people thought she was a social butterfly - wonderful personality, warm smile, cheerful all the time with humor and excitement about her. She was very popular and the phone would ring constantly for her. Especially the boys!!!! She was kind to everyone. She did not care what color you were, if you were the school jock or nerd or skinny or fat. She was always taking care of everyone else but not herself. They was no one more giving and generous than Chan. She was truly a special girl - she was an angel on earth..….BUT on the inside she was crying. We would have “girl to girl” talks often and Chan just couldn’t explain to me what was bothering her, why she was so sad when she had so much going for her. She didn’t know herself. No matter how often we told her she was such a wonderful, beautiful person on the inside and out, she never quite believed it.

She continued working for the rest of the summer and started back to school in September, her graduating year. She was doing very well as she only had a few courses to take to graduate. We let our “guard” down, as she was back with her school buddies and going out all the time here and there, shopping and spending her whole paycheck to buy things for others. On my birthday in August Chan bought me a “best friends” bracelet. One she wore and the other I wore. It took her whole first paycheck. I was so touched I started to cry and so did she. I will never forget that moment. Things seemed to be getting better, Chan’s spirits lifted a bit….. or so we thought. She was a busy teenager with a brand new boyfriend. She wanted us to think that she was okay because she didn’t want to hurt us. She was a very good little actress!! She knew how hard her eating disorder had been on us. We even joined an Eating Disorder Parent Support Group and were shocked to find out how many teens had eating disorders. We tried to do everything in our power to help Chan.

 

On Wednesday morning, September 23, 1998 I gave Chan my car to go to school as I was
driving to work with her Dad. She was
happy about that and gave me a big hug
Little did I know that would be the last
hug I would get from her...the last smile
...the last touch…the last look at my
beautiful daughter. Chan had come home
from school early, very upset over something
thing that happened at school with some of
her friends. She was such a sensitive girl
and didn’t like rejection or arguments. She
must have come home so upset that she
opened up a bag of potato chips and ate a
few. The “anorexia monster” as Chan called
it, who controlled her life and mind, must
have sent her the message that she was a
“bad person” to eat those chips. She must
have lost all control at that point. In an
impulse decision, she went went upstairs
and took some prescription drugs, probably
to sleep. She hadn’t been sleeping well, but
she did not wake up. She took the wrong pills.
They stopped her heart. She was on
anti-depressants, but she didn’t take those
because her doctor told her that she could
overdose on them. She took pills that she
thought would just help her to sleep. Her
15 year old brother came home from school
and found her lying on her bed. 911 was
called and they worked on her and then
took her to the hospital. As a last resort,
they put in a pacemaker. Now she is with her
Grandma whom she loved deeply. I’m sure
they are taking care of each other now.

I will remember that tragic day as it is burned in my mind forever. We go on, but as any other parent who has lost a child knows, life will NEVER be the same. Half of us goes with them. Chan didn’t get to graduate, marry or have children. She loved her family so deeply and showed it to us everyday. I am so glad that I told her every day that I loved her. I was truly blessed to have her, even for such a short time.

Seven weeks later, on Dec. 11, 1998 it was Chan’s 18th Birthday and her brother Kyle’s 16th. We had a family gathering at the cemetery and had a balloon release. We all attached notes to Channy and sent them on their way to heaven. It was a very emotional moment, to say the least.

I visit the cemetery a lot as I find my quiet time with Chan is calming. It has been over two years now and the pain is just as excruciating, the grief just as exhausting, the loneliness just as unbearable, the sadness still ripping at our hearts. It is a long, hard, dark road we have to travel, the most difficult journey of our lives. Her death left me broken, it took my trust in life, it took my innocence, it took my white picket fence, it took a part of my husband, it took pieces from my son, it took some of our friends, it took my enthusiasm, it took my spirit, it took my passion, it took my happiness, it took my celebrations, it took my joy, it took my sleep, it took my peace, it took my laughter, it took my patience, it took the order from my universe, it took my dreams of graduation, wedding and grandchildren, it took my future, it took a river of tears, it took my faith for a tumble…….

As I am struggling down this road I will be a “new” me. I will be more vulnerable, more quiet, less optimistic, more frightened, sadder, less judgmental, more tolerant, more spontaneous, more angry and definitely stronger. I will be more sensitive to others and more sympathetic and more spiritual. I will be more aware of how fragile and short life REALLY IS.

I believe that it is Chan’s spirit and her love that is pushing me to continue my journey of healing. I pain every moment of every day, of every week, of every month but I will eventually make it with her help. She is ALWAYS with me!

We started a memorial scholarship in
memory of Chantel at her high school.
It is a humanitarian award given to a
student who is much like Chan - helpful,
giving, kind and has struggled against
adversities to achieve their goal.

Chan loved the Winnie The Pooh gang and her room was full of them. Yellow butterflies have a special meaning to us now. I know with all my heart that they are messages from Chan that she is okay. Being a Mom, I have to know that she is okay. I will always be Chan’s Mom - she will always be my daughter - only in a different way. We are still connected by a cord no one can see. She is a part of me and will be forever until we are together again. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH MY BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS ANGEL!