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Dearest Jordan,
January 12th, 2005. Has it really been 3 years
since I last felt your lips on mine in that
goodbye kiss? Oh, how I wish I had known that
kiss was to last me a lifetime. When I close my
eyes, I can still feel the brush of your lips on
mine, hear some of the last words you spoke to
me…”I love you.” Had I known it would be the
last time I would hear those words, I would have
recorded them so that each day as I tell you
that I love you, I would be able to hear your
voice say it back to me. Those two things
coupled with the feel of one of your hugs and
the sweet sounds of your easy laughter are some
of the things I miss most about you in my
everyday life. There are MANY…but those hurt the
most I think. Though I wasn’t the perfect mother
or you the perfect child, I basically have no
regrets because I KNOW you know how much you are
loved and your dad and I always knew how much
you loved us. You showed it in the way you
followed our rules with little resistance, the
way you were never “embarrassed” to be seen with
us in public like is so common with teenagers.
You showed the love you had for your entire
family in so many ways. The way you were always
there for Adam…trying to always make his life
easier. I can clearly see you in the den
watching TV…(remember how when you were watching
TV, the house could blow up around you and you
wouldn’t have had a clue you were so “tuned
in?”) Anyway, you were sitting in the chair
closest to the TV eyes glued and Adam came in
and “demanded” in his non-verbal grunt for you
to move because he wanted to sit there and
without ever taking your eyes from the TV, you
got up and moved for him. You always watched out
for Adam. Made sure he wasn’t teased, made sure
he wore the “right” clothes. I miss the fact
that I don’t have you to help me with those
things. Have you been watching Adam grow? Gosh,
I can’t believe he is now YOUR age! Sometimes I
look at him and see you. It’s a strange, yet
comforting feeling.
Remember how much you looked up to Jonathan? You
thought your big brother was so “cool.” In ways,
you wanted to be just like him but in others,
you were so proud to be different. Like when it
came to school. Jonathan never really cared
about school and it showed in his grades. Though
you told me many times you didn’t like school, I
didn’t believe it for a minute. You see, your
actions spoke louder than your words. You always
did you best and got great grades. I remember
finding a letter you had started to write to
Jonathan while he was in the Navy and you told
him that if you didn’t know what you wanted to
do when you graduated, you wanted to join the
Navy, just like him…you were so proud of him. I
see you in Jonathan too. Sometimes he makes this
“face” and it makes me laugh out loud…it’s YOUR
face. Just a quick mouth movement but something
until recently I never noticed you and he
shared.
Remember how much you appreciated David’s sense
of humor? He could “bust your gut” with laughter
with his dry witty humor. It makes me smile to
close my eyes and see you laughing so hard at
some of the things he said. You thought it was
hilarious that David used to keep a “joke book.”
Remember that? He had a little notebook and
whenever he came up with something that made
people laugh, he would write it down. I think
you were David’s best audience! You even tried
to emulate him but yours was a different style
and you found your own nitch in the humor you
found within and about yourself and were able to
make people laugh just as easily as David.
I play over and over in my mind one of the last
“jokes” we played on dad. Remember when he was
writing an e-mail to Reverend Kathy while we
were sitting in the den and he asked me how to
spell popped? I told him it was p o o p e d. You
looked at me and smiled, I looked at you and
smiled and we nonchalantly came out to the
living room to see what he was typing and he DID
type pooped and we laughed SO hard just thinking
of how we almost let him send it to her? I laugh
now just typing the words!
Jordan, I can’t believe 3 years have come and
gone. On one hand, all those horrible feelings
are as fresh today as they were on January 12th,
2002, I still feel it to the depth of my very
soul. On the other, it seems an eternity since
it all happened…One day I feel as though I
couldn’t miss you more and the next, I find that
I do. I think of all the things every parent
assumes they will experience with their
children. High school graduation, going off to
college and even just getting your first “real”
job. Finding that special person you could share
your life with, marry and have our grandchildren
with. So many things….Now I am forced to imagine
all those things. They can never be a reality
for me. I grieve that loss so much! If I were
granted just one wish, it would be to have you
back with us…to have our family whole again. It
is an impossible wish I know but one I wish with
all my heart. And then I think about where you
are. Safe, happy…living in the light with Jesus
by your side and I think…how selfish of me to
want you back here. Your life now is what we all
are working towards, how can I not be happy for
THAT? It’s such a struggle in my heart…wanting
you back with us here…being happy for you and
all that is now yours. I guess it must be my
heart that cries for you and my spirit that
sings of joy for you. Jordan, I don’t know when
my time will come but know that for each and
every day and all the seconds that make up each
of those day’s, will be spent missing and loving
you.
Yesterday, Today, Always and Forever I Love You!
~Mom~
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