If anyone would have told me that I could get through nine years without you, I would never have believed them. I really don't know where all of that time has gone. My heart still aches for you, I still cry, I miss you like crazy, and I think of you so very much. I wish we could turn back the clock and you would have never had to leave us. I wish I could erase this date from the calendar.

We used to love fall so much...but now its just not the same. I still love all of the colors, but the season has lost so much now that you left us. I still write to you often...but not every day like I used to.

I had a nurse in the hospital this time who reminded me of you. We seemed to hit it off and she was so nice.
She was pretty and she mostly wore a ponytail like you did.

I feel so old now, Heidi...so old and sick. I don't want to feel that way but I do. You used to make me feel young. You used to make me laugh. No matter how down in the dumps I was...you could make me laugh.

I am sure that you get a laugh out of your Sadie, Heidi. She is such a good kitty Heidi. She doesn't like riding in the truck when we go camping and makes herself heard...but she loves it when we are camping and she has all those windows to look out of.

I have a feeling that I was coming to a head with my heart failure all summer...I just never felt good. Never in a million years did I think I would have heart disease. I guess it will never get better and I will just have to live with that. God gives us our crosses to bear...I just didn't think I would have so many.

I am concerned that I won't be able to work anymore. I have to wait and see all of my Dr's to know what they think is best. I never wanted to have to quit like this...my career was very important and to have to end it because I am sick just crushes me. I wanted to retire with a happy note...everything planned and everyone happy. I have my clients who are my friends...truly. I would never hurt them or walk out on them. I just hope that they know that and that I am not in control right now.  When I hear that they are going somewhere else it just crushes me because I should be there for them. I  can only do what is physically able for me.

My family has been there for me so much...Scott was there every night at the hospital (even though he was sick himself), and of course, Daddy was there from morning till night (I could see how tired he was in his eyes), my cousins were there so much...my sisters called nearly every single day...I thank God for my family. I am blessed.