I can't believe...even though I know that
the calendar is telling me so, that Heidi has been
gone from us for three years. She is so fresh in
my mind and she always will be, that I guess
it will always seem like just last week. My heart is still
aching so much for Heidi...to
hold her and to tell her how much I love her.
I want to see her...I need to hold her. The ache of
not being able to tell your child
that you love them or hold them , or
not being able to see'
them is the worse
I talk to Heidi all of the time. I can tell you that
because you are here visiting her site, and maybe
you won't think that I am crazy or something. I know that she
visits me...her signs are always here.
I picture Heidi laughing and so beautiful
just dancing around heaven. I know that she will be there
to welcome us when it is our time to be with her. Its the
time now without her that's so bad...so
If Heidi were here now she would be 24 years old...I often
wonder what she would be doing now, or maybe if she
would have gotten married and had a child by now.
Of course I can picture
all of the beautiful fun times we
were supposed to have together that will never be now.
I see Moms with their daughters and sometimes I
want to whisper to them to enjoy every second...but I
don't and my heart just aches for my Heidi. I can't even
go into a fitting room if there is a Mom and daughter in there.
If I hear them, I have to leave. The pain will never stop.
This time of year I feel myself becoming quiet...more to myself...more depressed. I sit and think of what we might have been doing three years ago on this day when our Heidi was still with us...what was Heidi doing? Then I get all wrapped up in thinking of the accident and my mind goes crazy imagining what may have happened that awful night. I will always wonder what exactly happened. No one could give us any straight answers, and there are only a couple of people who could tell us what happened, and they have not come forward. What could have ever happened that took my daughter's life? How in the world could this have happened? These are the things that fill my mind, and I imagine all kinds of horrible things.
I guess that when I get to see my Heidi again, this just won't be important anymore.
Maybe she will tell me exactly what happened and maybe it just won't ever matter again. Lets face it, once we are happy for an eternity again....ohhhhhhhhhhh.....what a beautiful day that will be.
Heidi has given us so many signs that I regret now not writing them all down. I am sure that I will forget some of them. I have dedicated the next page to the signs Heidi has given us.
I know she is around us.
I came upon the next letter that has touched me so much. I wish I know who wrote it, and if anyone knows, please let me know so I can give them full credit:
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know this is a rough time for you.
So I will be as gentle as I can be.
First of all, thank you for so many tears,
particularly those shared with another that
you love. They are a gift to me,
a precious tribute to your investment in me.
As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only.
Donít let anybody suggest that you do your grief
work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes
to face directly the reality of what has happened,
even though you may need to pause frequently
and yearn for my return. Do this with courage
and my blessings. Know that sometimes inertia
is the only movement possible.
Give your best to keeping a balance
between remembering me and renewing
your commitments to life. Itís O.K. with me
if you go through minutes, hours and even
days not thinking about me. I know that youíll. never forget.
Loosening me and grabbing hold of a new meaning
is a delicate art. Iím not sure if one
comes before the other or not, maybe itís a combination.
Be with people who accept you as you are.
Mention my name out loud, and if they donít
make a hasty retreat, theyíre probably
excellent candidates for friendship.
If, by a remote possibility,
you think that there is anything that
you could have done for me and didnít.
I forgive you, as my Lord does.
Resentment does not abide here, only love.
You know how people sometimes
ask you how many children you have?
Well, Iím still yours and you are still my parents.
Always acknowledge that with tenderness,
unless to do so would fall on insensitive
ears or would be painful to you.
I know how you feel inside.
To be included as your child honors me.
Read, even though your tears anoint the page.
There is an immense library here and I
have a card. In Henri Nowensí ďOut of SolitudeĒ,
he writes, ďThe friend who can be silent
with us in a moment of despair and confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and
bereavement, who can tolerate not healing,
and face with us the reality of our
powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.Ē
Mom and Dad, I donít know where you are
spiritually now, but rest assured that our
God is not gone. The still small voice you
hear in your heart is His voice.
The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him.
The tears that tremble just beneath your
heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am.
I want you both to know that I am O.K.
I have sent you messages to ease your pain,
they come in the form of flowers that bloom
out of season, birds singing,
voices and visions and sometimes
through your friends and even strangers
who volunteer as angels. Stay open but
donít expect the overly dramatic.
You will get whet you need and it may be
simply an internal peace.
You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
Please seek out people bereaved
longer than you. They are tellers
of truth, and if they have done there work,
are an inspiration and a beacon
of hope whose pain lessened dramatically
and one more wisdom before I close. There
are still funny happenings in our world.
It delights me to no end when I hear your
spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter.
That, too, will come in due time.
Today, I light a candle for you.
Joined with your candle, let their
light shine above the darkness.
Your Angel child.
PS: Iíll. see you later!
My life without you seems so meaningless, empty, and blue.
Why on that day did the angels choose you,
and why didn't they take me along too?
Your life held so many promises and dreams
But now all I have is memories,
or so it seems...
No more decisions that you will have to choose
No marriage or grandchildren will come from you.
I lie in bed at night wishing we could share
Another moment together to tell you I care
People have told me you are in a far better place
These words are of no comfort as I wipe the tears from my face.
I walk in your room and look through your things
Your stuffed animals, your jewelry, and especially your rings
The shoes, jackets and clothes you once wore
Are still in your closet and in your drawers
Your bed and your pillow are all in their place
But no Heidi to fill up the space
I can "feel" you with me but it isn't enough
I want to hear your laughter and feel your touch
I miss you so much, I can't possibly explain
The toll or amount of this emotional pain
You weren't just my child, you were my best friend
And I've lost you until my earth life ends
And when will that end be, I can't stand the pain
My life without you just isn't the same
A life without you just doesn't seem fair
The days are so empty and full of despair
I pray for the day we will meet again
One year, five years, or maybe in ten?
What a day it will be to see you
No longer will my heart be broken in two
On that day I will hear your laughter and feel your touch
just some of the things I miss so much
But until that day, just know that I care
I miss you, I love you, my angel so rare!
I will love you for eternity, Mom