As I sit here making this page in memory of Heidi, I can't really tell you the true feelings I have inside  ( I just cannot tell you how bad the pain reached)...its like she isn't gone and I am making a present for her...not wanting still to accept the fact that she isn't coming home again. Somehow I cannot accept that. I cannot accept that I lost my precious daughter...my little girl.
Time goes so quickly...Can it be five years since that terrible nightmare? Can it be five years since I have seen my Heidi? Not really...because I see her every day in my mind, I carry her in my heart, and I feel her in my soul.
She was my life...my very reason for being...her and Scott and Paul. She made me laugh and she made me cry.  She needed me...I cannot let go, and I will not let go. I want to remember every detail of her life, and I can't. I try to remember every day before the accident and I can't.
Around this time, I try and go to sleep, and I can remember every single pain that I felt when they told me Heidi was never coming home again. It is like someone stabbing me in my heart over and over again. How can a Mom cope with this pain? I will never ever forget that night as long as I live. I cannot forget that as long as I walk this earth.
I remember when my Dad passed over. I remember my Grandpa. I wish I would have realized how badly he hurt. I was just 16 years old...I remember everyone coming for my Mom and me and my sisters, but never remember if anyone comforted my dear Grandpa...he lost his son!! How could I not have known the pain in his heart? Because no one can realize the pain of losing a child unless they have gone through it.
It hurts when we lose our parents, and when we lose our dearest friends, but nothing in this world can even come close to the pain of losing a child. I have lost my parents, very good friends, and I have lost my child, and believe me...there is no comparison. And I loved my parents as much as anyone else has...and I will always love them, but they don't engulf me like the memory of my precious 21 year old beautiful daughter who was full of life, and was full of hidden places filled with beauty, grace, and depth, and she was ready to conquer the world...ready to make her statement. Maybe get married, and have children. Maybe and maybe not. I will never know, but my guess is that she would have made Paul and I proud Grandparents. I am not saying that your loss is not as important, because it is...it is the worse loss that YOU have ever encountered, and that pain is the worst you have ever felt...so how could you know? I am just telling you that you never want to be where we are.   We go through our lives missing someone who we gave life to, nurtured and loved for 21 years... and we cannot ever replace her...she is our baby...our daughter.........Our lives changed when Heidi left...everything is different. I am sure that her leaving affected other lives also...I know that it did. I know that this time of year especially, she is on a lot of peoples minds. She was special, and she was my little girl. She is in my mind every day...she engulfs my soul...and will till the day that I join her in heaven. I will forever carry her in my heart and soul. No one can sever the cord that connects a Mother and her child. No one can come between the love she shared with her Daddy (her hero), and no one could know what its like to lose a sister like Heidi. Heidi...we love you!  We would do ANYTHING to get you back! For Eternity, Mommy, Daddy and Scott

And Marcus...thank you...thank you for tattooing my Heidi on your back...it means more than you could even imagine!!!

The song on this page says a lot...Please listen. I am sorry it takes awhile to load, but I have compressed it as much as I can...its not the greatest quality, but it says what I want.

Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some day's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Today Today Today
Today Today Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, somedayghgghghgh

Artist/Band: Kenny Chesney
from Album: Who You'd Be Today