One Year...

by Heidi's Mom...

It has been one year since Heidi went to heaven...

This past year I have been in a fog. Was it winter, then spring, summer, and now fall again? The days have all seemed the same to me. Has my grief lessoned? Has the pain in my heart eased? Do I go a moment without Heidi on my mind? The answer to all of these questions is "No".  I still wait for the door to open and hear the song, "Hi Mom!" I still look for Heidi everywhere that I go. I still wait for the outside motion light to come on at night when she had gone out, and was returning home.  I have even bought her presents, wrapped them, and sat them carefully on a table for her to open. They stay unopened...untouched. I write her a letter every day as if she is on some long vacation. 

Even though I go to her grave every day and talk to her there, care for her little garden there, always making sure there are fresh flowers in her vases there...I kiss her picture on the stone with tears streaming down my face...turn and walk away, and drive home...looking for her all of the way. No...None of this makes any sense, but my life makes no sense anymore.

I can't concentrate or remember things. I get up every day, get dressed and go to work. I have even smiled and laughed. Not like I used to, but I do smile.  I cry very easily...I don't like to say the words that "Heidi died"...I can't say that...not really. I say when Heidi went to heaven or when Heidi left. Sometimes I really pretend that she is still here...I mean really still here, and that's how I get through another day. 

My husband Paul has been my friend. He feels as I do...he hurts, he cries...we cry together.  He made me eat, he cleaned our house, he took over, because all I could do is go to work, and I had trouble doing that. He takes me to the store to shop, because he knows I would not go on my own.  I don't like to shop anymore, because all I see are things I want to buy for Heidi, or that remind me of Heidi. Sometimes I will put them in my cart when we are together and we will buy them anyway. He truly understands...without saying a word. Without him, I would have never even gotten out of bed.  I didn't want to. He understands my tears, and I understand his. We are broken hearted parents, and we have had no one to cling to but each other. We are like lost souls trying to go through the motions of life. 

People still say, "You have to get on with your lives". Those people do not understand. They couldn't, or they wouldn't even think it! We have gotten on with our lives...we get up every day, we go to work, we do what we have to do. I guess that's getting on with our lives. That's about as normal as it gets.  Every minute there is still pain, there is emptiness, and a lump in our throats. There is a need...a need for our daughter. That will never go away. When this terrible tragedy happened, an old Doctor of mine called me and he said to me that he knew what I was feeling. He told me that we grieve our parents for awhile because they are a link to our past, but we expect them to die. We will grieve our husbands until we are in the arms of another, but...a Mother will grieve her child till the day she dies. He did and does understand. I thank him for that.

As a Mom I am suffering from an overwhelming need to be needed.  Heidi always needed me, and I need that! Now I really need her. She was grown up, but she was still a little girl.  My little girl who would some day let me help her plan her wedding, and give me beautiful grandchildren. All of the things that a Mother dreams of. Heidi and I talked of those things (sometimes giggling and laughing), and now they are a lost dream. There are many shattered dreams. Many things undone.

So, if anyone wants to know if it's not easier. This past year has been hell. Your "friends" disappear, Heidi's "friends" disappeared, and people very dear to us have moved out of town. I understand that everyone has to do what they think is the right thing  for them. I am not bitter...I am just hurt. 

I dread the holidays and birthday's more than is so hard for me to celebrate anything anymore.  Things are so very different now.  Christmas used to be the biggest holiday...we made such a big deal. Now, we don't want it to come. I don't want to go to parties or have parties anymore, and the thoughts of going to one puts me in a panic...the thought of celebrations makes me cry. All I really want is to have my Heidi back with me.

I pray to God every day to give me the strength to get through each and every day.  I tremble from the inside out, I don't sleep, my emotions are heavy. When my Heidi left, I felt an instant pain in my heart. I asked different people about this pain and if they knew what it was. The knowledge of what it was was always the same...everyone said that it was a broken heart. But mostly everyone told me that the physical pain would leave after has not, and I doubt that it ever will. It is a constant reminder of all that I have lost.  I have lost a part of my being...a very big part of me. 

 I will NEVER let Heidi go! I will talk about her, I will continue to keep her memory alive, I will always miss her, and search for her in a crowd. I will always think of her when I see anything beautiful...she is everything beautiful. 

Heidi is special. She is my daughter, and I love her with all of my heart and soul, and with every breath I take. I will love her for eternity. 

For most of you it probably seems like a long time...a year. For us it was just yesterday.

Oh God! How my heart aches for her! 

love, Judy (Heidi's Mom Forever)



Candle In The Wind

Like a candle in the wind,
A sparrow in the storm;
A child that's lost out in the cold,
With nothing to keep it warm.
My heart is like the candle,
Exposed to every wind;
That threatens to blow out its light,
Still it flickers again.

Just like a tiny sparrow,
Torn by stormy breeze;
I'm tossed by a force much stronger,
That brings me to my knees.
And like the child out in the cold,
Seeking a place to warm;
I'm looking for that shelter,
Where I am safe from harm.

A common thread between myself,
The candle, the sparrow, the child;
Each of us needs a shelter,
A resting place for a while.
A harbor out of the rushing wind,
Quiet, safe and warm;
A place that I can run to,
Where I am safe from the storm.

Allison Chambers Coxsey


We will always be one...nothing can ever change that. The bond between a Mother and her child can be destroyed by nothing or no one...ever!

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