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How
can I put into words how much we miss
you Heidi? How can I put into words how
much we love you? This is the third
Christmas without you. The first
Christmas we were numb. You left us less
than two months before. Last year I
don't even remember all that well, which
is good because all Dad and I want to do
now is "get through the day".
Dreading the Holidays coming...anxious
to get beyond them. Our hearts are still
so broken, and so is our spirit.
Remembering you and Scott on Christmas
mornings is one of the treasured
memories we keep so safe and fresh in
our hearts. Now we seem to live on those
memories...that's all we have now.
Nothing can ever come close to making us
that happy ever again.
The
laughter that would "ring" in
our home, the songs and the baking...all
of the preparation ~ shopping, keeping
"secrets" of what we had
bought. All safe memories to have in our
hearts forever. Now we feel like we are
on the outside looking in at the parents
with their children and their
grandchildren. Everyone happy. I do
remember that happiness...that too is a
treasured memory.
Shying
away...wearing our masks in public
because people "get tired" of
our grief. Just half listening people
trying to be polite. "Safe" is
home...where we shared so many of our
memories. Its there where Dad and I can
be ourselves. We can cry, we can talk
about when you were here, and talk about
our cherished memories.
We
still haven't figured out what else we
have to do here before we join you in
heaven, Heidi. Maybe we will never know.
Maybe we will just "do it" and
never even know. So many Moms and Dads
tell me that they find comfort here on
your website, and that somehow it helps
them. Those are Mom's and Dad's who know
our pain...for they too have lost a
child. I want to shout to
people..."Until you have walked in
my shoes. Stop! Don't criticize me or
tell me how I should grieve or that I
should "get on with my life",
or I must have faith. We have gotten on
with our lives...the best we can...and
we have much
more faith than you know...We just choose
to keep our prayers and beliefs to
ourselves." Where and how we pray is
between us and God. We have to
have faith or we wouldn't be able to
stand it! We know that we will see our
Heidi again one day in heaven. Some say that
"it" gets easier with
time...some say it doesn't. We are all
different, and we all grieve different.
Oh, how we miss you Heidi...our
beautiful little girl. We love you
so very very much...with every beat of
our hearts and every breath that we
take. For Eternity,
Mom
& Dad
2003
Everything
is the same. We cry at the sound of
Christmas carols, we still miss you so
much...so much Heidi! How do we get
through another year without you?
Sometimes it seems almost
unbearable...like we can't do it again!
But somehow we seem to get
through...only to face another day
without you. People think that
everything is better...but they don't
want to take the time to hear the real
story. They really don't want to know
the pain that is in our hearts. I
can't say as if I blame them, so I try
to keep a stiff upper lip while out in
public. Its the riding to and from work
in the car and hearing Christmas songs,
or stopping at a store and only seeing
all the Christmas decorations, or
listening to the joy and laughter that
so many families are experiencing...we
used to have fun like that...but its
gone now. Why did this have to happen?
Why do any parents ever have to
experience this kind of pain? How can
that be right? How can that be ?
We miss you our dearest Heidi...more
than we could ever express in
words...ever!!! We love you for
eternity...Mom, Daddy & Scott
The Rose
Just like a beautiful, long-stemmed rose,
Her precious memory grows and grows,
Touching the hearts of all of those she loved.
And like the fragrance of that same rose,
Her love, so sweet, still flows and flows,
Filling our lives with a warmth that shows she's there.
So like the forever-blooming rose,
The beauty she shared eternally glows,
For deep in our hearts, each of us knows
She lives!
(Author Unknown)
A Face In The Clouds
I looked towards the clouds today
and for a moment saw your face
And wondered just were you have gone
with a hope it's a better place
Did you show yourself to me today
to tell me you're alright?
Or was it just a daydream
playing tricks upon my sight
Then I thought of when you left
you did not say a word
No hugs and kisses..
no good-bye was heard
You have changed our lives forever
Your time here not in vain
and hope you know we always tried
to keep you safe from pain
We will always feel the void inside
because you are not here
But each new thought you send our way
let's us know you're always near
So until our journey nears it's end
And we hear the angels sing
We'll face each new day as it comes
and live off the love you bring
Author Unknown
Someday...
Like grains of sand
Slipping through our hands,
Life slips away.
Looking for a better tomorrow,
And hoping for a better today.
Loved ones won't be gone forever;
We will see them again.
Someday we will be together,
We just don't know when
Time will ease this pain
That we are feeling today.
Life is about change.
That will never go away.
Saying goodbye,
Knowing that things have to come to an end,
Is not an easy thing to do,
Especially when you have to say it to your child.
Author Unknown
When we lose our parents we lose our past.
When we lose our spouse or sibling we lose our present.
When we lose our child we lose our future.
When we lose our parents, we are orphans,
When we lose our spouse, we are widows or widowers,
But there is no word for a parent who has lost their
child........
Do tears blur the colors of Christmas lights
and carols make you sigh?
Are you saddened because it's Christmas
and I am not nearby?
Do you think of all the joyous times
we shared in seasons past?
Does the ache feeling overwhelming
seem like it will always last?
Please don't weep for me.
Know this Christmas is my best.
At this Christmas dinner
I'm seated with the honored guest
If the tears you cry are for you,
lonely without me today
to share this year's season,
then listen to what I say.
God's gift that first Christmas
was much more than His son.
He gave to us the promise
of eternal life for everyone.
Now that I've gone on and received
that promised gift of life,
I'm very much a part of
the Christmas spirit light.
I'm the angel sitting on top of
a decorated tree
And a simple Christmas carol
sung by a child so reverently.
I'm the Santa on the corner
standing and ringing his bell.
I'm in that Christmas Eve story
that you know so well.
I'm in every sight and sound
that brings people Christmas joy.
I'm a smile on the face of a child
who received a much loved toy.
Now that I'm part of the season
we loved and shared so much,
Close your eyes, think of me.
Reach out and feel my touch.
Please share in all the joy I'm feeling
being a part of Christmas cheer.
Look around and you'll find me.
Joyous Christmas, for I am near.
Cheri' C. Bown
used
with permission
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