Four years...maybe it sounds like a long time...but it is a short time for Paul and I. The pain is so hard to try and explain...its a pain I never knew possible until I lost Heidi. Its a pain that never ends, and it reaches right through to our souls. It encompasses every thought I have, every plan I make and every moment of my life. It has had a great bearing on our future...we haven't much future anymore. We always had such dreams.  We thought that we would have a full house with our children, their spouses, and our grandchildren. What fun we would have had! The pain is just as bad as it always was. There isn't a day goes by that I don't cry. Paul said that we just have learned to tuck it further back inside ourselves because people just don't understand, and that's what we must do to "get through". Because our society doesn't accept lingering grief. When you lose a child, your grief lingers...till the day we die. We are just not supposed to talk about it. So...we try not to.

Its good Paul and I have one another because we understand each others grief. Together, we can talk about Heidi...cry...laugh...reminisce. I want to scream sometimes..."Please!!! Don't ever forget my Heidi! That would be unacceptable! But it is a thought and fear for those who have lost children. We want so much for our children to be remembered.

I try and imagine Heidi in heaven...watching us from above. I wonder what she thinks and if she misses us also. But they say there is no time in heaven, and that soothes me, because I could never bare to think that she is hurting like we are.

Its so sad when others are speaking of their children, if we mention our angel child...almost everyone becomes silent or changes the subject. Why is that such a bad thing to do? If people would just try to understand how very important our children are also...deceased or living...it would be so comforting. And I want to say thank you so much to the people who have allowed us to talk about our Heidi. It means more than you could ever imagine.

 There is still that pain in our hearts that just won't leave...but maybe I just cannot let go of that. I don't want to stop missing Heidi with all my heart and soul. I don't want to stop thinking of her, and I don't ever want her memory to leave me even just a little bit. I want to keep her fresh in my mind...I want to see her face and beautiful smile when I close my eyes. I want to hear her laughter in my mind like the sound of beautiful music.

The tears still flow freely...when I think of her, when I hear a certain song, when she should be here and she isn't, when any birthday or holiday occurs, when I really want to share something with her...

I wanted Heidi so badly. I had prayed and prayed for a daughter. I already had my little boy, and now I wanted my little girl so much. When I had Heidi, I knew my life was complete. I know that I promised God a lot of things if he would give me a daughter, but I never told him he could take her away from me.

When I see a Mom with her daughter and they are having so much fun...I miss Heidi...it hurts. When I need to tell her something that no one else will understand...it hurts.  When I just need to see her laugh and I can't...it hurts. When I see a beautiful bride, or when I see a young Mother...it hurts. 

Heidi always took a stance when anyone said or did anything disrespectful to me. She would always be there protecting her Mom. There isn't a day goes by that I don't cry. There isn't a day goes by that I don't miss her and need her, and yearn to hold her and tell her how much I love her. The yearning hurts. The broken heart hurts, and will forever hurt till I can be with her once more.

I worry that people aren't remembering Heidi. That's a terrible fear.  She is just as important as anyone else's child. It doesn't matter if they are still here or in heaven. She is our daughter and she always will be. Heidi was so special...she is a part of us...a very special part of us. That will never change.

I never thought that I would make it this long without Heidi. Its not easy...Its not easy at all. But I try to do things that she would be proud of and I try and be a good person so that God will take me into heaven to be with my little girl for eternity. I just hang onto the thoughts of our whole family together again...what a glorious day that will be. Then I will be complete once again. I know we will all be together...one sweet day.

 

Heidi...Your candle will always burn in your memory.

Forget me not, for I am there, in the beat of your heart, on the wing of your prayer.

Light a Candle
And I will light a candle for you.
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

The seasons come and go, and I'm weary from the change.
I keep on moving on, you know it's not the same.
And when I'm walking all alone
Do you hear me call your name?
Do your hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder, touched me with surprise,
Always saw that something special deep within your eyes.
And through the good times and the bad,
We carried on with pride.
I hold onto the love and life we knew.

And I will light a candle for you.
To shatter all the darkness and bless the times we knew.
Like a beacon in the night
The flame will burn bright and guide us on our way.
Oh, today I light a candle for you.

Paul Alexander

 

 

 

 
     
 

 

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