years...maybe it sounds like a long time...but it
is a short time for Paul and I. The pain is so
hard to try and explain...its a pain I never knew
possible until I lost Heidi. Its a pain that never
ends, and it reaches right through to our souls.
It encompasses every thought I have, every plan I
make and every moment of my life. It has had a
great bearing on our future...we haven't much
future anymore. We always had such dreams.
We thought that we would have a full house with
our children, their spouses, and our
grandchildren. What fun we would have had! The pain is just
as bad as it always was. There isn't a day goes by
that I don't cry. Paul said that we just have
learned to tuck it further back inside ourselves
because people just don't understand, and that's
what we must do to "get through". Because our
society doesn't accept lingering grief. When you
lose a child, your grief lingers...till the day we
die. We are just not supposed to talk about it.
So...we try not to.
Paul and I have one another because we understand
each others grief. Together, we can talk about
Heidi...cry...laugh...reminisce. I want to scream
sometimes..."Please!!! Don't ever forget my Heidi!
That would be unacceptable! But it is a thought
and fear for those who have lost children. We want
so much for our children to be remembered.
I try and
imagine Heidi in heaven...watching us from above.
I wonder what she thinks and if she misses us
also. But they say there is no time in heaven, and
that soothes me, because I could never bare to
think that she is hurting like we are.
Its so sad
when others are speaking of their children, if we
mention our angel child...almost everyone becomes silent
or changes the subject. Why is that such a bad
thing to do? If people would just try to
understand how very important our children are
also...deceased or living...it would be so
comforting. And I want to say thank you so much to
the people who have allowed us to talk about our
Heidi. It means more than you could ever imagine.
is still that pain in our hearts that just won't
leave...but maybe I just cannot let go of that. I
don't want to stop missing Heidi with all my heart
and soul. I don't want to stop thinking of her,
and I don't ever want her memory to leave me even
just a little bit. I want to keep her fresh in my
mind...I want to see her face and beautiful smile
when I close my eyes. I want to hear her laughter
in my mind like the sound of beautiful music.
still flow freely...when I think of her, when I
hear a certain song, when she should be here and
she isn't, when any birthday or holiday occurs,
when I really want to share something with her...
Heidi so badly. I had prayed and prayed for a
daughter. I already had my little boy, and now I
wanted my little girl so much. When I had Heidi, I
knew my life was complete. I know that I
promised God a lot of things if he would give me a
daughter, but I never told him he could take her
away from me.
When I see
a Mom with her daughter and they are having so
much fun...I miss Heidi...it hurts. When I need to
tell her something that no one else will
understand...it hurts. When I just need to
see her laugh and I can't...it hurts. When I see a
beautiful bride, or when I see a young Mother...it
Heidi always took a stance when anyone
said or did anything disrespectful to me. She
would always be there protecting her Mom. There
isn't a day goes by that I don't cry. There isn't
a day goes by that I don't miss her and need her,
and yearn to hold her and tell her how much I love
her. The yearning hurts. The broken heart hurts,
and will forever hurt till I can be with her once
that people aren't remembering Heidi. That's a
terrible fear. She is just as important as anyone
else's child. It doesn't matter if they are still
here or in heaven. She is our daughter and she
always will be. Heidi was so special...she is a
part of us...a very special part of us. That will
thought that I would make it this long without
Heidi. Its not easy...Its not easy at all. But I
try to do things that she would be proud of and I
try and be a good person so that God will take me
into heaven to be with my little girl for
eternity. I just hang onto the thoughts of our
whole family together again...what a glorious day
that will be. Then I will be complete once again.
I know we will all be together...one sweet day.